The True Story of My Winter Vacation From Hell
                                                                -- by: JVD

I had the absolute worst vacation ever this year, so I thought I'd share it with you:

This is the story (it's kinda long) of a little 1974 VW Camper Van affectionately known as "Medusa, the bitch from hell." In case you haven't heard this before, this is the story of my winter "vacation" to Florida with my friend Bob.

We left Canada on Dec. 27, 97 for Clearwater, Florida in Bob's mom's car. We were driving her to Florida so that she could spend the rest of the winter in her mobile home at a park in Clearwater, and Bob & I intended to buy a used car during the time we were in Florida, to get back to Canada and sell for profit (older cars with no rust go for a fair coin here).

The trip to Clearwater was 2417 km and we made it in 23 hrs including stops for gas/food (not bad, eh). We arrived wearing sweaters and long pants, realizing that it was still quite cold, even though we were in the "Sunshine State." It turns out that Florida had just had some nasty rain storms, and they were now experiencing extremely cold temperatures. Some people at the mobile home park told us we should close the door to Canada next time we drive to Florida - we were letting all the cold air out.

Over the next few days, Bob & I searched the papers & became familiar with the local night life. The phone company took 4 days to connect the phone, so calling people about cars and getting calls back was a real chore. Eventually we found a 1974 VW Camper Van in the paper with a rebuilt engine and new brakes all around for $1200. We decided to go look at the van.

Medusa was in pretty good shape. There was hardly any rust on her, and the underside of the bitch was immaculate. She fired right up and sounded pretty good. She had an automatic transmission, power brakes, good tires, a stove, electric fridge, furnace, sink, and beds. Her interior was messy and rotted because of a broken hatch in the top. We figured that we new brakes and a rebuilt engine, she would get us to Canada and we would just have to do a little cosmetic work. the muffler was blown, but we could change that. We talked to the owner and knocked the price down to $800 US.

After buying Medusa, her speedometer cable broke 15 minutes down the road. We got her back to the park, though, and we looked her over and bought several used parts from a shop in Clearwater to fix her up. We also bought some new parts like new spark plugs, new wires, new wipers, a new fuel pump, and a complete exhaust system. During the installation of the fuel pump, Medusa pissed gasoline right into my eye. I should have known something was up, but I ignored this incident.

During all these repairs, Bob & I found out about an area in Tampa (1/2 hr away) called Ybor City (eebor city) packed with tons of bars along four blocks of a street. Apparently Ybor City becomes like Marti Gras during New Year's Eye, and they close off the street. We decided to get a hotel room in Tampa and take a cab that night to Ybor City to party for New Year's Eve. We had heard many great stories about this place, and figured it would be an awesome New Year's.

Medusa was running good, so we decided to take her across the bay to Tampa on New Year's Eve. We figured it would be a good test to make sure she could at least go to Tampa. Well, Medusa overheated on the long bridge across the bay and started sputtering and farting. We pulled onto the shoulder and continued slowly until we got across the bridge. There we stopped and let her cool down. We called the hotel and said we'd be late, but they wouldn't hold the room unless we left a credit card number, so I left my VISA number. We were only ten-fifteen minutes from the hotel and figured we would just take the side streets.

When we got back on the road, we made it 3 blocks when the back tire blew out so we had to stop again (the tires were almost new, but we hit a metal plate on the bridge across to Tampa that must have flipped up and slashed the tire). We figured no problem, we'll use the spare. The spare was flat. Then we noticed a gas station and figured we could walk there and pump up the spare, so we took the spare off the front of the van. The spare had a gash in it and wouldn't hold air. At this point, we gave up and decided to call a cab. We could just lock the van, get a cab, party, and deal with the van in the morning. Nope. We couldn't get through to a cab company - all the circuits were busy. No matter which company we called, all the circuits were busy. We tried to call a cab for an hour, at which point we gave up and called AAA. I also called and reported my VISA card lost so that at least the hotel couldn't charge us for the room. We got Medusa towed back to the mobile home park at 11:45 and spent New Year's Eve in the mobile home watching the apple drop in New York, stone cold sober while the old people at the park got loaded in the park clubhouse.

The next day we figured out that the cylinder head gaskets had blown when she overheated, and that we had to tear down half of the engine to replace them (the engine has two cylinder heads that come off separately on opposite sides of the crankcase). We picked up the parts (along with another set) along with a new tire and a new spare. As I was changing the tire, Medusa fell off the jack and landed with her brake drum right on the pavement (go figure). We changed the tire and spent that evening and the following morning replacing the head gaskets. It was the day we had to leave (Sunday the 4th). We also repaired the heating system which was apart and in pieces when we bought Medusa. On the first test ride after the cylinder head gaskets were replace, she sputtered and burped and didn't run right. Luckily, this was a carburetor problem and I fixed it fairly easily. She was running great again - so great, in fact, that we figured she would be able to take us home.

As we pulled out of Clearwater, we noticed that the sun was out, and it was really hot out. After spending a week wearing long pants and a sweater during my Florida vacation, it was 80 degrees F on the day we left.

The windshield washer system on Medusa works on air pressure in a tank, not a little pump like newer cars. After we left Clearwater, we decided to fill the system, and pump air into it. As soon as I put the air hose onto the tank, the windshield washer tubing exploded and sprayed WW fluid all over the floor of the car (the tank is inside the car). We took the hose that was left, reconnected it, and put the tank on the dash. This time the steering column exploded with WW fluid all over the radio, Speedo, and all over me. Needless to say we gave up on the windshield washer.

Everything was fine for a while, and we really believed we would get home. We were a little late, but that was okay. Well, that was a stupid assumption. Medusa overheated and started sputtering and farting before we even got out of Florida, so we pulled off the road. This time, we figured it was the cylinder head gaskets on the other side of the engine. We pulled the whole engine apart and changed the head gaskets in the parking lot of a Citgo gas station. Medusa spit oil all over me when we fired her up without a valve cover in place. This is when I first called work and home to say I would probably be late.

After the work at the Citgo, Medusa ran better, but still didn't run right. We decided to take our chances and try to get home. It was getting colder so we turned on the heater. It was nice and warm, but after a while we found it hard to breathe. It turns out the exhaust was leaking into the heater system and filling the whole car with CO. We duct taped the heater tube and rolled on without heat. The next thing we noticed was a hole in the floor by the engine, where a wooden panel had rotted away. This hole was also letting in exhaust gases, so we had to stop to duct tape plastic and wood over it.

Well, we made it across the state line into Georgia when Medusa just gave up, and spewed blue smoke everywhere. There was heat pouring out of the engine compartment and oil everywhere. On closer inspection, we found a rag in the cooling fan, which had caused the engine to overheat. We removed the rag, topped up the oil, let the engine cool off, and decided to try again. She didn't run well, but she ran.

That got us a little farther into Georgia, where we broke down in the middle of nowhere. I spent 20 minutes on the phone with AAA trying to get them to figure out where I was (which exit). There was no town, and all the gas stations at the exit were closed. It was about 3 am.

We got a tow at 4:30 am and decided to have the towtruck drive us 75 miles to Macon, Georgia so that we might have a chance of finding parts. We found a place in the phone book, and got towed to the parking lot of a parts shop that advertised "Everything you need for your VW" and had several VW Bugs in the yard. We thought we were saved, and that since it was 6:15 am, and they opened at 9, we'd sleep in the van until they opened. That way we could fix it and get going home ASAP. We got up at 9 when it opened to find out they didn't have cylinder head gaskets, or any gaskets for that matter. What's worse, they phoned all over Macon and the earliest they could get the gaskets was 2 days. At this point, we decided to take the engine apart anyway to see what we would need, but before we did that we wanted to check the compression.

The parts shop didn't even have a compression tester. The garage next door would not lend it out for 5 minutes. We walked a mile down the road to another parts shop, and they didn't have one in stock (they normally carry one). We then walked a mile past our van in the opposite direction to a shop which let us borrow one. After walking back to the van, we found out that the tester had the wrong sized adapter on the end and wouldn't fit. The shop next door had the right adapter, but absolutely refused to lend it out, so we returned the compression tester and took the engine apart without checking the compression. We saw no real problems on the side we had taken apart, so we put it back together, at which point we saw that the valves were out of adjustment. We adjusted the valves and fired her up. She ran shitty, but she ran, so we pulled out of Macon, Georgia doing 40 miles an hour.

Around this point in the trip, the speakers for the radio fell out of the doors, along with their respective wires, rendering our radio inoperable, not that we cared at that point.

The next obstacle we hit was the mountains in Tennessee. Medusa did not like those mountains, but pulled us along quite a way. We noticed that if we really tromped on the gas, Medusa would seem to do okay. This procedure got us half way through the mountains to a parts shop in the middle of nowhere, where we ripped the engine apart again (this parts shop also had no parts). This time, we figured that the head gaskets from the second side we changed were probably okay, and that the side we changed in Florida had blown for some reason, so we put the old head gaskets in that side and put it all back together. It ran okay (noisy, less powerful, but okay) so we got it on the road and kept going.

We made it to Lexington, Kentucky when Medusa quit again. We couldn't even shift her into drive without pushing the van first because it would stall. We found a shop on the other side of town, so we had to repeat this procedure all the way through downtown Lexington to get to the shop (the "Bug Shop")

At the Bug Shop we ran into the nicest people I have met in a long time. We took apart the engine to find a hole melted in the aluminum cylinder head so big you could piss through it. It was late and the shop was closing, so the owner, Kevin, gave us his van for the evening to go to a hotel.

The next three days were torture. We ripped the engine to pieces, and realized we needed two new pistons, three cylinders, and a new head. Kevin had a big pile of parts, so the next day we dug through it and eventually found some used parts. We also had to take apart another engine that had only one good cylinder head so that we could use it for ours. After cleaning everything, honing the cylinders, lapping the valves, filing the pistons, and putting it together, we were severely disappointed when she started up squeaking as if a cylinder head gasket was blown. This meant the engine had to come all apart again, so we took it apart. On inspection, it looked like a piece of dirt had gotten in between the gasket and the head, causing it to leak. We cleaned it and put it back together only to hear the same squeaking. This meant we had to take it apart again, so we did. Kevin couldn't figure it out either, until he mentioned that he had never seen a VW head warp before. Sure enough, we looked at it and it was warped. Kevin had no other heads in good condition. and we were going nuts, so we went out and got drunk.

The next morning (Friday) we found a head with broken valve guides, and sent it to a machine shop to get new guides put in. We got it back at 6:30 pm, and saw that the valve seats had not been lapped yet. We spent an hour and a half lapping the valves by hand and realized that one exhaust valve seat was not perfectly round. It would need re-cutting. Luckily, though, Kevin's Dad had cutting tools for valve seats, and fixed the one seat. We lapped that valve again, and then put the engine back together. We got the engine together at 12:30 am Saturday, at which time Kevin was nice enough to do a tune-up. Medusa was running good again.

We took off at 2:00 am Saturday from the Bug Shop on our way home. Well, we didn't even make it out of Kentucky when the alternator went and the battery went dead. Medusa stalled and didn't start up again. This time it was corroded wires between the alternator and the regulator, which we fixed at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Medusa was rolling again.

We made it across the Kentucky - Ohio line when Medusa wouldn't go - again. She was sputtering and had no power. This was at 7:00 am Saturday morning, so Bob and I didn't even want to try to fix it. We turned on the stove and furnace in the van to heat it up, and then slept until about 9:00 am.

In the morning we fiddled with the carburetor, adjusted the valves, and started her up. She ran fine, so we drove off. Well, she ran fine until the next exit, where she wouldn't go anymore. We called Kevin back, and with a few diagnostics found a severely clogged fuel filter. When I went to change it, the gas line broke and I got fuel all the way down the sleeve of my jacket. We changed the fuel filter and moved on.

Since then, Medusa went through 2 more fuel filters before making it to the border. At the border, customs wasn't going to let us in with the car without paying a $50 fee of some sort, but they said we could go to the Lewiston bridge and wouldn't have to pay that fee. At this point, we got lost in upstate New York, and it took us about 45 minutes instead of 15 (as we were told) to find the bridge so we could get across to Canada. We then crossed with no hitches.

Medusa took one last swing at us in Scarborough at about 1:30 in the morning, when she ate another fuel filter. Apart from that, we made it. We froze our asses of with no heat all the way, but we made it (every once in a while we used the stove on full tilt to get heat until the gases made us sleepy).

All I can say is thank God I'm home. And that's the story of my winter vacation to Florida.

P.S. - The day after I got back to Canada, the driveshaft on my own car went out on my way home from work, so I had to spend another half a day replacing it.

Now I just have a really bad cold.

Jason